“Isolde” and I are lifelong friends who have shared countless moments of vulnerability and growth on our paths to success, so it was no surprise when she confided in me about her new business venture. Despite her achievements, she felt a gnawing fear that she should be further along. I know that feeling too well, and I suspect you do, too. Fortunately, we’re not stuck with this experience.
The Seven Choices
Let’s start by making the Seven Choices from my book, DIY Conflict Resolution: Seven Choices and Five Actions of the Masters, as I asked Isolde to do:
- Forgive yourself for having conflicts. They are consequences of pursuing an extraordinary life.
- Acknowledge yourself for taking any action to resolve your conflicts. Many people wait for someone else to make the changes that get them the results. That’s not you.
- Forgive the world for having and creating conflicts. Unfortunately, we need friction to grow and do better. You’ll likely be stronger, wiser, and more resilient once this conflict is behind you, which will prepare you for whatever else life brings.
- Free the emotions. It’s natural to feel fear, stress, insecurities, sadness, excitement, pride, or whatever else you are experiencing. Don’t stop yourself from feeling what you do. Allow those feelings to pass through, like air or water.
- Clear your mind. No matter how much business or life experience you have, this moment has never existed before. Your past will only get you so far. Put it aside, if only for a few moments.
- Assume nothing. People say what they do about assumptions for a reason. Often, they cause more problems than they solve.
- Listen with your third ear. No one has life as easy as we think they do. Be willing to hear what others are struggling with, and help them when you can reasonably do so.
Defining the Conflict
With a blank mental canvas on which to work, I asked Isolde, how her business looked versus what she thought it should be like. Hers was an internal conflict centered around what she “should” be doing. Coaches Nancy Mindes and Brooke Emery aptly call this phenomenon “shoulding all over.” It’s messy and counterproductive.
Identifying the Interests
Next, we explored what Isolde believed generally about business success. She held a master’s degree in Business Administration, and she had decades of experience in Corporate America, which had her comparing herself to:
- International and multinational organizations in other industries
- Her current and past employers
- Others pursuing similar ventures full-time
This business was a side gig for Isolde, which she ran while working a full-time job, training for a cross-state bike ride, and family commitments. As long as I’ve known her, she has always juggled many activities, but not at such demanding levels of responsibility. She realized she might have been expecting too much of herself and everything around her. It might look like people succeed overnight, but as Dave Ramsey says, it took him 25 years to become an “overnight success.”
Creating a New Future
Once Isolde recognized that she was measuring her success with a tool that didn’t fit her situation, she began to see that the primary barrier was her mind. Wonderfully, this is something she can easily work with. She created a written plan with specific, measurable goals and tracked her progress with less self-judgment. Soon, she was moving toward financial projections and filling her client pipeline at a level she could manage despite her other commitments.
Staying on PARR
Conflict resolution is an ongoing process of planning, acting, revising, and repeating, until you get the results you want. Most high achievers will tell you that persistence has been a huge contributor to their success. Isolde is no different. Neither am I.
Life will continue to put obstacles in your path, but you now have a process to help you over, under, around, and through them. You can also reach out for support.