In my book, DIY Conflict Resolution: Seven Choices and Five Actions of the Masters, Action Four is to free your emotions. But how do you do that at work without damaging your reputation? There’s no crying in baseball, yet there are times when we feel trapped in a cycle of frustration and resentment, yearning for a way to express emotions without throwing the game. Here’s how to do that gracefully, as I did with a client we will call John to protect his identity.
John’s Outbursts Threatened His Professional Reputation
John wanted to be an entrepreneur, but his business was not generating sufficient income to support him financially. Begrudgingly, he took full-time job, after full-time job, always finding fault with the employers soon after his first day of work.
John was a reliable employee who showed up on time and cared about producing quality results, but he resented that he wasn’t working in his own business. We began working on his transition plan. Immediately, I began getting text messages at 7 AM on weekends, during court hours, and even while I was at the hospital with my dying mother.
Everything related to his business seemed like an emergency to John, and his messages would come with increasing frequency and hostility, until I finally responded. He was conducting himself similarly at work, not realizing how invasive and disruptive such behavior could be. In his mind, he was showing passion. Behind his back, his co-workers called him Drama Queen.
I knew this wasn’t John at his best because I had seen him excel in a prior leadership role. We needed a compassionate approach to guide him towards a profound realization: he did not know how to acknowledge his emotions or release them constructively.
The opportunity came more quickly than I expected, on a day in which I had my own frustrating experience. I was leaving court after receiving an unfavorable decision in another client’s case, when John sent me a text message indicating he wanted to throw a tantrum. He reminded me of a toddler, which also reminded me of a technique my sister used with my nephew. When he stomped his foot in response to her instructions, she set a timer and had him stomp in place until the timer went off. It was unconventional, but it worked. He eventually learned more effective ways of asking for what he wanted, and his requests were met with more respect. I wanted that for John, too.
My conversation with John that day went something like this.
JOHN: “I need to throw a tantrum.”
ME: “Is there an office, broom closet, or other place you can go?”
JOHN (shocked and confused): “What?”
ME: “If that’s what you need to do, give yourself permission. Remove yourself so you don’t disrupt or harm anyone. Set a timer. Allow yourself to stomp, yell, growl, or whatever you need to do until the alarm goes off. Then, it’s back to work.”
JOHN: (Silence.)
ME: (Silence.)
JOHN: (Silence.)
ME: “Did you find a place?”
JOHN: “No. I don’t really need to throw a tantrum. I need to [a, b, and c].”
The Solution for John
In my dialogue with John, I emphasized the significance of creating a safe space for emotional expression while respecting the boundaries of others. This nuanced approach empowers individuals to confront their emotions head-on without succumbing to impulsive reactions. It is not just management’s responsibility to foster a culture of understanding and empathy in the workplace.
Sometimes, we just need to be acknowledged and have permission to feel what arises naturally. We need to free those emotions, so we can move on. When we hold them in, they can feed on other emotions we’ve shoved deep inside and produce what others perceive as extreme responses to small conflicts. This, of course, can damage our professional reputation.
Other Possible Solutions
You are not John, and at different times, you might need different techniques. Here are some others my clients and I have used to free emotions in the workplace so we don’t damage our professional reputations:
Take a Walk
Request 10 minutes to take a walk and “gather your thoughts” (even if you’re truly going to let most of them go). Breathe deeply as you walk, slowly exhaling all air. Repeat. If your mind wanders, just go back to focusing on your breath. Allow your brain to rest, refresh, and recalibrate, so you can focus on an effective action plan when you return.
Write It Out (and Shred It Afterward)
Start writing, without editing any of your thoughts or feelings. Curse if you need to. Say what you wish you could say, without an impact on anyone else. Then shred it. You just ranted on paper and no one else needs to know what came out in your brain dump.
Shift Your Focus
If your workplace doesn’t allow you to take a break immediately for one of the other suggested actions, promise yourself you will make the time for a powerful emotional release (ideally to empty). Then, shift your focus to three positive things about the instant situation.
-
- What do you love about how you got where you are?
- What do you have now that you didn’t have before you got this job, promotion, assignment, etc.?
- What can you learn about yourself in this situation?
- What do you really like about yourself?
- Did you notice you can control your brain? That’s an amazing skill. Do you like that you have it?
Need more help freeing your emotions?
https://thirdearcr.com/how-to-free-your-emotions-with-loved-ones-without-destroying-relationships/