Communication breakdowns happen at work, regardless of your title or experience. Maybe it’s caused by conflicting interests in a project or frustration and overwhelm during periods of change. Even the best of co-workers can stop talking to each other when they feel unheard or fear they will say something in anger that they will regret. It’s a common and difficult situation that doesn’t always involve a major issue. More often, silence is caused by a build-up of unexpressed expectations, unaddressed emotions, misinterpretations, and assumptions.
Fortunately, many relationships can be salvaged and even strengthened in these situations. The key is to start the work with yourself before you try to engage with the other person. You can’t fix a broken channel if you’re still caught in the emotional impact of the last interaction.
Step 1: Look Inward Before You Reach Out
When we’re in the middle of a conflict, our emotions often run high, and our ability to think clearly plummets. As Robert Kiyosaki says, “When emotions go up, intelligence goes down.” We get so focused on what happened and who’s to blame that we lose sight of our own power to change the situation. Instead, we focus on and get stuck in the past–which we can’t change.
This is why the first step of conflict resolution masters is to gain some internal clarity, such as by making the Seven Choices from my DIY Conflict Resolution book. Before you try to reopen communication, it’s best to feel the anger, hurt, and frustration, allowing it to pass. This isn’t about forgetting what happened, but once you’ve processed your feelings, you can approach the situation with a clear mind ready to find a solution.
The Seven Choices help you explore what you need to do to find peace with the situation. Do you need to forgive yourself for something you said or did? Acknowledge your own feelings without judgment? Maybe you need to go into the broom closet and drop a series of f* bombs to let go of the anger you’re feeling. Some people find it helpful to list what the other person contributes to your workplace, which can help shift focus from the negative to the positive. By doing this work, you can let go of the emotional baggage and prepare yourself to engage in a more constructive way.
Step 2: Define the Conflict and Your Interests
Once you’ve done the internal work, you’re in a much better position to be objective. Now, it’s time to shift your focus from the past—what went wrong and who is at fault—to the future and potential solutions.
Start by defining the conflict as simply and clearly as you can. For example: “Michael and I disagree about whether I am doing a good job.” This simple statement removes blame and focuses on the issue at hand.
Next, consider your own interests. What did you want or need that you didn’t get? Do you still want or need it? Then, try to do the same for the other person. What do you think they wanted or needed? This helps you see the situation from a broader perspective.
Can both of you still get what you want or need? Shifting your mindset from blame to understanding opens the door to solutions. It’s okay to have a few in mind going into a discussion, but don’t get too attached to any of them yet.
Step 3: Re-Engage with Intention
With a clear mind and a defined purpose, you are ready to approach the other person. The first message you send should set the tone for this new attempt at communication. It should be a no-pressure, curiosity-driven invitation.
For example, a message could look like this:
“Dear Michael:
I know it’s been a while since we last spoke. I don’t like the way our last conversation ended, and I would like to explore ways to improve our communication in the future. Would you be open to an exploratory conversation for that purpose?”
This approach does a few key things: it takes responsibility, avoids blame, and clearly states the purpose of the conversation—to improve communication, not to rehash the past.
During this conversation, be prepared to listen more than you speak. Avoid monologues, blaming, or shaming. Your goal is to find common ground and build something new together. Be ready to offer a complete apology if one is warranted. A complete apology is a powerful tool because it doesn’t just say “I’m sorry.” It takes responsibility, outlines how you’ll act differently in the future, and acknowledges the other person’s feelings.
Finally, give the other person the time and space they need. Trust isn’t rebuilt in a single conversation. It takes consistent, positive actions over time. But by taking these steps—starting with yourself, defining the conflict, and re-engaging with intention—you can create the foundation for a stronger, more resilient relationship.