Having contributed to prior Upjourney articles on apologies and letting go, I was later asked how to write an apology letter to a friend. This is my response.
Consider a Phone Call
Although I focus on workplace conflicts, this often includes conflicts among friends. Of course, I have also had my share of conflicts with friends and other loved ones throughout my life. I am not a fan of apology letters to “friends.” Assuming we share the same definition of a friend and you want to repair, transform, and continue the friendship, a call will usually lay a much better foundation on which to build again. It will take courage, and it will probably be uncomfortable, but that might also help the recipient recognize true remorse, even if the words aren’t perfect.
A letter doesn’t give your friend the opportunity to hear your discomfort and pain, nor does it give them the chance to respond authentically in the moment. Nevertheless, there are situations in which a letter is the most appropriate way to open communication after a misstep by a friend.
Make the Seven Choices
You probably have a vision of how you want the apology to go. Additionally, your fears might have you imagining the worse. Regardless, you need to put all of this aside so you can focus on being truly present with your friend and creating a new future. You can’t do that while burdened by all your thoughts and feelings. The Seven Choices from my book, DIY Conflict Resolution, can help:
- Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Even if you need to apologize because you intentionally hurt your friend, there’s a good chance you did that because you were hurt. This does not excuse your behavior, but you are taking accountability for it.
- Acknowledge yourself. It takes courage to own our mistakes and make amends for them. You deserve the self-forgiveness I ask you to extend.
- Forgive the world. It’s tough out there, and life will give us challenges we fail so we have opportunity to grow into our best selves. That’s why the fifth action of the Five Actions is to Stay on PARR: Planning, Acting, Revising, and Repeating until we get the results we want.
- Free the emotions. It will be easier to focus on a new future, if you are freer from your past. One of the ways to feel more free is to allow any emotions you might have suppressed to flow. Find a private place to cry, yell, curse, or whatever you need to do so you don’t cause further harm to yourself or anyone else.
- Clear your mind. If you find your mind racing through memories, worries, or blame, your apology will be unfocused and ineffective. Before beginning the apology letter, try journaling to do a “brain dump.”
- Assume nothing. No matter how well you think you know your friend, there will always be aspects of them to discover. Be open to experiencing them as they are under the current circumstances.
- Listen with your third ear. Pay close attention to the words you use when describing the situation to other people. Your word choice signals where you are still hurting. Show yourself some compassion and heal the hurts you can before engaging your friend again so you don’t unintentionally bring them in where both of you can be hurt again.
When a Letter Is Better
Perhaps many years have passed since the incident you want to apologize for, or your friend is refusing to accept calls from you. Rather than involve others in your dispute by asking them to intervene, it might be best to write an apology letter and maybe even send it in a carefully chosen card. Make sure you:
- Acknowledge the less-than-ideal form of the apology. Open with something such as, “Forgive me for choosing to do this in writing. I am still open to talking this through, whenever you are ready, and I understand that you might need some time.”
- Apologize for the specific error. “I am sorry for _______________.” Stop. Do not try to explain. Take responsibility for your error(s), and keep everything focused on that. Otherwise, you seem disingenuous. If you can’t do this without bringing in all the reasons for your behavior, wait. This probably isn’t the time to attempt reconciliation. You might even benefit from coaching.
- Share how you will make amends. If you don’t know how to make amends, ask the friend what you can do and remind that you welcome a call to discuss this.
- Do what you say you will do. The behavior after the apology is probably more important than the apology itself. Once trust has been broken, only consistent behavior modification is likely to rebuild it.
- Keep the communication going. Don’t expect a quick fix. If this is a friendship you truly want, you will need to keep cultivating it.