DISCLAIMER: This post provides general information about how to use The Seven Choices of the DIY Conflict Resolution process when you are the target of sexual harassment. It is not legal advice, nor is it a substitute for psychotherapy. If you want to discuss your legal rights, responsibilities, or options, please contact my trusted colleague, Alison Greenberg. For counseling, see this list of resources.
I have been writing a lot more about Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) this year, which has me reflecting on my own experiences navigating complex workplace interactions. Like many of you, when I entered the workforce, I thought sexual harassment was just part of the experience. I assumed it was something I had to endure, and I did. You do not have to.
Until I was promoted to a human resources supervisor and employee relations representative, I didn’t truly grasp the significance of anti-sexual harassment laws. It’s different when you are responsible for others’ training. My enthusiasm for my new role also led to different conversations with my mother, who shared a shocking story of quid pro quo sexual harassment. Other loved ones and colleagues disclosed their lived experiences, too.
Read the threads under #MeToo, #SexualHarassment, and #WhyIDidntReport. You’ll get a better idea of what seems to have been going on in the shadows far longer and more frequently than we might want to admit. The statistics based on reported sexual harassment cases do not tell the full story, as you might be painfully aware. Hopefully, this post will bring you some peace and empower you to take steps toward healing.
What Is Considered Harassment?
In my first jobs, fast-food co-workers often amused themselves with playful banter about sexual activity, preferences, and identities. They didn’t know I had already been sexually abused and presumably didn’t intend to retraumatize me. They were just trying to get me to blush.
There were also customers who flirted with me. Some of them were classmates, including a couple I had crushes on. Others were men old enough to be my father: police officers, professors from the nearby university, and probably fathers of daughters my age. It didn’t happen all the time, and I felt protected behind the counter. Not knowing I had recourse, I brushed these behaviors off.
This is an example of why some states, like New York, now requires annual training to prevent sexual harassment in their workplaces. Here’s an excerpt from the model policy:
Behaviors that contribute to a hostile work environment include, but are not limited to, words, signs, jokes, pranks, intimidation, or physical violence which are of a sexual nature, or which are directed at an individual because of that individual’s sex, gender identity, or gender expression. Sexual harassment also consists of any unwanted verbal or physical advances, sexually explicit derogatory, or discriminatory statements which an employee finds offensive or objectionable, causes an employee discomfort or humiliation, or interferes with the employee’s job performance.
In other words, a lot of what I endured in those early workplaces was arguably illegal. You might be in the same situation. Fortunately, help is available.
Make the Seven Choices
If you find yourself navigating the shadows of harassment in the workplace, you can reclaim some of your power by:
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Forgiving yourself. Harassment is not your fault. Even if you did something that was interpreted as a signal of interest or if you started something and decided to end it, you have every right to reclaim your independence and bodily autonomy–whenever you want to.
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Acknowledging yourself. It take immense courage to endure harassment, regardless of the actions you take in response. Remember your strength and resilience in facing this conflict. Any action you take toward freeing yourself or holding the harasser accountable is more than many of us do. You are so strong!
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Forgiving the world. While conflicts like harassment may test us in unexpected ways, they also present opportunities for growth and understanding. Open to the lessons inherent in your experiences, and empower yourself to navigate them on your own terms.
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Freeing the emotions. It’s natural to experience a range of emotions in response to harassment, from anger and sadness to confusion and even flattery. Whenever you need to, find a safe place where you can express what you feel without causing harm to yourself or others.
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Clearing your mind. Resist the urge to dwell on past incidents of harassment, as this only serves to diminish your present and future. That is often exactly what your harasser wants. Take control back through meditation, journaling, counseling, or whatever helps you stay on the path you want to be on.
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Assuming you know nothing. You might think you know enough about sexual harassment because you’ve done the training at every job you’ve had for the past five or more years. But confronting harassment as a target can cloud your judgment and emotional resilience. Seek expert guidance and support to navigate the complexities of addressing the misconduct effectively.
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Listening with your third ear (your heart). In the midst of conflict, it’s easy to default to analytical thinking or self-punishment. Instead, approach the situation with empathy and compassion, recognizing the humanity in yourself and others involved. Once you can do this, you’re more likely to reach a sustainable and complete resolution.
Conclusion
By embracing these Seven Choices, you reclaim your power and resilience in the face of harassment. Remember, you are not defined by the conflicts you encounter. Instead, you can shape your own narrative and career path.
Need more practice with the Seven Choices?
Five Actions to Take When You’re the Target of Sexual Harassment