Who Are “They”?
This vague pronoun often stands in for entire groups of people, labeled and demonized based on the actions of a few. This “us vs. them” mentality fuels conflict, division, and even hinders our own personal growth. It’s a mindset that prevents us from truly connecting with one another and even blocks us from achieving our goals. We must move beyond these generalizations.
Protected Classes in Conflict
Over the past year, I have had a record number of cases involving members of protected classes coming into conflict at work. In one case, members of a historically marginalized group circulated a petition calling for the removal of all members of another historically marginalized group. My client was part of the latter group and, despite not being involved, was perceived as one of “them.” She had not participated in any of the actions that inspired the petition, but she shared the ethnicity of others who had caused great harm. For the petitioners, she was part of “they,” and she had to go. It was a deeply painful process for her and failed to result in any punishment for the actual wrongdoers. Fortunately, she has moved on to more compatible employment where she is valued for her contributions.
This example highlights how the ‘they’ mentality can escalate conflict, especially in sensitive situations. To move toward resolution, we need to shift our focus from broad generalizations to specific actions and individual accountability.
Five Actions to Move Forward
The Five Actions from my DIY Conflict Resolution book have helped many readers stop blaming others for their circumstances, empowering them to both resolve conflicts and achieve goals. Here’s how they did it:
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Define the Conflict Succinctly. In conflict, it is highly effective to frame the dispute succinctly: “[Other person] and I disagree about [describe].” Clarity is paramount. When we blame “them,” there’s no one specific to work with toward a resolution, which limits the possibilities for us moving forward. Try starting with one person who you are confident also wants to get past this conflict.
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Identify the Personal Interests Driving the Conflict. We are all motivated by core values, beliefs, wants, and needs. Understanding why we take the positions will help us access a broader range of potential solutions uniquely tailored to our interests. Explore what you thought about your rights, your job, or your traditions. Did you assume everyone shared them? What did you expect to happen that didn’t? What do you want and need now?
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Play with the Possibilities of Resolution. This is the brainstorming phase. Allow yourself to consider anything that comes to mind. Then, assess the feasibility of each, one by one. Will they lead you to what you want and need? Does this require the other person to give up something of value? Look for solutions that give you both something desired.
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Create the Future with an Actionable Plan. Studies have consistently shown that specific, measurable action plans are more likely to produce desired results. Choose a possible win-win solution. Then, determine what steps must be taken, by whom and by when. Honor your word and take those actions.
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Stay on PARR (Plan, Act, Revise, Repeat). Be prepared to adjust your approach as new information emerges. Adaptability ensures long-term success because life will always bring new conflicts. Fortunately, the more you use this process, the more skill you build, and the less often you will feel stuck, or at least your periods of inaction will become shorter.
Do you see now why blaming “them” doesn’t work–and puts more work on you?
Planning Your Work and Working Your Plan
Most of us know what to do to improve our circumstances, but that doesn’t mean we take the actions necessary. In Action Four, we create the future with a specific and measurable plan to ensure we know who is taking which actions, when, and how to determine if they were taken. For example:
- To confirm my rights, determine if they are being infringed, and understand my options, I will consult an attorney on Monday.
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Today, I will talk to my boss and determine if there is more than one job like mine, so we can both have ones we value.
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My family will observe each federal holiday we value, regardless of what others are doing, ensuring we don’t infringe on anyone else’s rights.
Just as we must be specific in identifying the root causes of conflict and avoiding blanket blame, we must also be specific in defining our goals. The SMILE acronym helps us create action plans that are clear, measurable, and achievable:
- Specific
- Measurable
- Individualized
- Likable
- Easy (to fit in our busy schedules)
Conclusion
By embracing these principles, both in resolving conflicts and pursuing our goals, we can create a better future–a future where “they” no longer divide us, and where our individual dreams contribute to a more unified and compassionate world. It’s a future we build together, through focused effort. Moving beyond blame and embracing specificity empowers us to resolve conflicts and achieve our full potential.