Before his new supervisor was hired, January said the team he worked on thrived because they had the freedom to innovate and learn at their own pace. Under the new supervisor, they felt their autonomy diminishing and perceived a lack of listening. She supposedly had a default view of the team as wrong from the start of every project. This led to communication breakdowns and frustration.
January felt he needed to fight for his co-workers because he was older than they were. Recognizing he was contributing to the communication gaps, he asked us for help. Of course, we began with the Seven Choices from my book, DIY Conflict Resolution. Then, I guided him through an action plan inspired by the Five Actions.
The Seven Choices
January had gotten resigned and desperate in his dealings with his new supervisor. While she was on vacation, he had spoken to her boss, not-so-secretly hoping she might never return. After that, he started to wonder if he was being a jerk and creating the situation. He made a bigger mess of the one he was already in, but there was no need for self-judgment.
Often, when we are emotionally-charged, the best things we can do are:
- Forgive ourselves
- Acknowledge ourselves
- Forgive the world
- Free the emotions
- Clear our minds
- Assume nothing
- Listen compassionately for the hurts we can heal, including our own
Identifying the Conflicting Interests
Instead of immediately sympathizing with January’s grievances, I invited him to re-humanize his supervisor by listing 10 things he appreciated about her or thought she contributed to their workplace. I also encouraged him to consider the following:
1. Reality Versus Perception. Did the team truly lack the freedom to learn and innovate? Had she told them she assumed everyone else was wrong?
2. Mutual Respect. Could his supervisor also have been feeling disrespected? Do they respect her?
3. Role Clarity. What did the team need to feel like she had their backs? Was she supposed to let them give the orders and trust everything would work out? What then was her role?
4. Diverse Perspectives. Is the new supervisor the only one who doesn’t think exactly like everyone else on the team? Could that be a benefit?
5. Alignment with Organizational Policies. Was the new supervisor breaking laws or rules?
6. Shifting Focus from Conflict to Collaboration. Could January stop thinking of this as a fight? How could he build a team that includes his new supervisor, instead of demanding she conform to the ways things have always been done?
Lead from Wherever You Are
To get to resolution, January needed to tell his supervisor what he told others: “I really do want us to work together, and I think we can.” He also needed to admit he went above her head unnecessarily. Uncomfortably, he prepared for her to express feelings of frustration, disrespect, and betrayal.
Still, the relationship was not irreparable. I knew January to be kind, thoughtful, and compassionate. He was committed to doing great work, even if definitions of that differed from person to person. I invited him to include great personal relationships in that work. He accepted. When we last spoke, he and his supervisor had been producing better results on projects than anyone expected.