Happy Holidays! Is it okay that I didn’t say Merry Christmas? What is the “true meaning of Christmas”? According to whom? These are the questions that often arise at this time of year. They arise for me, too. I don’t have clear answers, and each year, I discover something slightly new about the answers for me, based on the circumstances I have at the time.
The First Christmas Celebration
My curiosity led me to research the first known Christmas celebration, which was “Christ’s Mass” in the year 336. Experts suspect it was little more than a mass to honor who was believed to be the savior–of people who needed a savior. It kept them striving for more than survival, especially by any means. The world then was even more violent than it is today.
Imagine going into a gorgeous church, hearing peaceful music, and being sheltered from the worries of those days. If only for a few hours, our ancestors could escape the famine, illness, and wars around them. The rituals of the mass also gave them time for self-reflection and rest. I appreciate that now more than I did growing up.
Can Non-Believers Still Celebrate?
Admittedly, I don’t know how much I believe of the story of Jesus’ birth. If it occurred today, Mary would probably be accused of fabricating an unbelievable story about her virgin pregnancy. Joseph might be hailed as a good man for stepping up to take on another man’s responsibility. Jesus could be deemed a bastard child, much like I was shamed in our 1970s Catholic community for having divorced parents. Journalists, investigators, and genealogists would spend their lives searching for Jesus’ “real father,” and there would be debates about what a real father is. That’s not all bad.
We don’t have to be hateful to those who question what we take for granted as truth. The longer I live, the less certain I am there is any universal truth. Perhaps that is the real reason I wrote the DIY Conflict Resolution book. I need the tools as much as anyone.
Here’s how I work through my conflicted feelings about celebrating Christmas.
Action One: Define the Conflict Succinctly
This sometimes changes slightly, but I often express it as: “My family and I disagree about what I am required to do or give to honor Christmas.”
Action Two: Identify the Personal Interests Driving the Conflict
- I thought Christmas was about Christ, not necessarily a bunch of expensive presents.
- I feel strange pretending that I believe the nativity story.
- I also feel disrespectful in engaging only in the commercial aspects of the holiday.
- I want to be valued for who I am, not how much I spend.
- I’m not sure my family members believe or think differently, and I must be careful not to assume they do.
Action Three: Play with the Possibilities for Resolution
I’ve learned it’s best with the people who love us unconditionally to simply be honest. I don’t want to be a spoil sport and ruin the holidays for anyone, but I also put myself in serious debt over the years, as I attempted to give the best gifts for a holiday I don’t fully acknowledge. I’ve even been one of those people Dave Ramsey refers to when he says, “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” I could be angry at the people I did this for who didn’t respond the way I wanted them to, or I could take responsibility for my part. I tend to look for what I can do differently, and it often begins with thinking differently about the person I am in conflict with.
Action Four: Create the Future with a Specific Action Plan
You might have heard of SMART goals, and I recommend something similar, which I call SMILE goals. Once you’ve considered what you can do to improve the situation and move toward resolution, you’ll need to make sure you take the actions:
- Specific. You need to know who will take which actions and by when.
- Measurable. You need to have a way to know whether an action has been taken.
- Individualized. An action plan that doesn’t consider how you think and what you can do will often just be tomorrow’s trash.
- Likeable. You must at least not hate the idea of taking the action(s) you say you will.
- Easy. It must fit into your schedule. Put it on your calendar like any other important appointment.
Action Five: Stay on PARR
Plan, Act, Revise, and Repeat the actions in your plan, until you get the results you want. With family, it can take several attempts and substantial time to let go of all our assumptions about each other. But conflict resolution is an amazing gift to get and give. It will be worth the effort.
Make this your best holiday season yet!