As we continue Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), it might be counterintuitive to discuss forgiveness and empathy. As a survivor of abuse, sexual assault, and multiple crimes, I will admit it has not always been easy to forgive. Yet I now see the profound impact that unresolved hurts had on my life. I pretended I had forgiven and forgotten, but I had not, and it subjected me to more harm, until I broke the cycle.
At Third Ear Conflict Resolution, we want you to have a better experience at work and beyond. Forgiveness is part of that equation. Let’s explore what that entails and debunk some myths.
Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die. ~ Anne Lamott
The Power of Forgiveness
Many well-intended people who have read or heard me talk about my polyvictimization say things like, “You’re a better person than I am” or “I don’t think I could be so forgiving.” Forgiveness is often viewed as a lofty ideal, yet it holds immense power in freeing ourselves from the shackles of past traumas. It may not come easily, but embracing forgiveness allows us to reclaim power over our lives and relationships. This is why we say forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves and why it is part of two of the Seven Choices in our conflict resolution process.
Forgiving Misconduct Without Excusing It
Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness does not require excusing misconduct. We can pursue justice while extending compassion. Sometimes, this is the most loving thing we can do under enormously painful circumstances.
Holding perpetrators accountable sends a clear message that harmful behavior will not be tolerated. Hurt people might hurt people, but that does not mean we allow it to continue. Yet, during the accountability process, we can offer offenders opportunities to heal their own hurts and create new futures for themselves.
In the case against my 14-year-old assailant, I did not press charges for revenge. I naively believed he would seize the opportunity for rehabilitation. He did not, and that was his choice to make.
In the workplace, accountability for harm to others can take the form of:
- Complete apologies (sometimes public)
- Retraining
- Suspension
- Demotion
- Termination
Practicing Empathy and Cultivating Compassion
Empathy allows us to see beyond surface-level actions and understand their underlying motivations. After my young assailant was identified, I kept thinking where I would have been at age 14 on a Sunday night at 10 PM. It certainly wasn’t across the river, looking for an easy target to rob or injure. I was probably at home with my mother, doing homework, or engaged in one of my many hobbies.
Even amidst the chaos of an unstable and sometimes violent family member, I was lucky to have an environment that nourished and cultivated me. I wondered whether the boy who attacked me had a similar home environment. Did he feel safe? Was he wanted and loved? Could I help him in some way?
By considering the circumstances and experiences that might have shaped a perpetrator’s behavior, we can:
- Cultivate compassion
- Foster meaningful connections
- Explore the full range of responses
- Select the most effective one under the circumstances
A trauma-informed approach to conflict resolution gets us closer to the perfect result.
Listening for the Hurts You Can Heal
People need to feel heard and valued before they can fully listen and contribute. Validating their perspectives, or “lived experiences,” demonstrates respect which can give them opportunity to:
- Free emotions without causing harm
- Open their minds to new solutions
- Release assumptions about other people
- Listen with their own third ears
Through compassionate communication, we can create more peaceful and productive workplaces.