As we observe Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), it’s imperative to acknowledge the profound impact personal traumas can have within professional settings. Unresolved hurts can cast a shadow over workplace dynamics, influencing interactions among colleagues and even shaping managerial approaches.
Susan’s experience epitomizes this reality. As a survivor of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, she found herself confronting the lingering aftermath of personal trauma when her abuser resurfaced, claiming victimhood. Her work was suffering, and her employer asked what she needed to get back to the levels of productivity once enjoyed. She disclosed briefly that she was struggling with “some issues at home,” and her supervisor recommended coaching.
Background
Susan was composed yet visibly burdened by anger and frustration. She recounted a history of harm inflicted by her abuser, prompting her to question her own sanity.
How is he the victim here?
Years had passed, but the scars from her personal trauma remained. Despite her abuser’s attempts at reconciliation through superficial gestures, like cards and gifts, the wounds of the past remained unacknowledged. Her abuser never apologized, and although Susan had built a life far away, it all felt threatened.
Applying the Five Actions from the DIY Conflict Resolution book, we carefully navigated this complex conflict. Here’s how we got Susan back on track at work and on a new path for her future.
Action One: Define the Conflict Succinctly
Using the simple DIYCR framework, Susan realized the basis of her conflict was that she and her abuser disagreed about him being a victim. This was workable.
Action Two: Identify the Personal Interests Driving the Conflict
We used another DIYCR framework to explore what Susan thought, believed, and expected from her relationship with her abuser. Then, we considered what she wanted and needed now, as well as what might be going on in her abuser’s world, from his perspective:
- Susan thought she had forgiven him.
- Expecting it to be easier to move on from personal trauma, she believed she could live without his apology.
- She didn’t expect him to claim he was the victim, dismissing the pain of those he victimized.
- Wanting to forget about the past and enjoy her new life, she wished none of it had ever happened.
Reluctantly, she considered her abuser was not purely evil. She knew he also had a difficult childhood and struggled with the impact of parental abandonment, neglect, and illness. He probably expected to get more attention, she said, understanding the human need to feel special. This did not excuse his abuse, yet Susan began to see him as less of a monster. Her abuser was merely a hurt human seeking validation and freedom from his personal trauma.
Action Three: Play with the Possibilities for Resolution
Again using a DIYCR framework, Susan described how the conflict would resolve if she could have it end any way possible.
She imagined a resolution steeped in acknowledgment and mutual understanding. Envisioning a future unburdened by the weight of past traumas, she remained cautiously optimistic.
He took decades of happiness from me, but I don’t hate him.
Maybe working through their trauma together would give them an open and authentic relationship based on love and trust. She was willing to try while also safeguarding her emotional well-being.
Action Four: Create a New Future
We took baby steps. Decades of mental manipulation does not disappear overnight. Healing from trauma might also require some guidance from a licensed psychotherapist, and I am not credentialed in that area.
Nevertheless, Susan developed several new skills by using the DIYCR process:
- Distinguishing people from their behaviors
- Releasing emotions without causing harm
- Sharing authentically and asking for support
- Leaving the past where it belongs
- Focusing on the future she wants
She also embraced the concept of “loving from afar,” recognizing the importance of safeguarding her emotional stability amidst the chaos of unresolved conflicts.
Action Five: Stay on PARR
As Susan continues her journey of growth and healing, she remains steadfast in her commitment to resilience and compassion. Each step forward reaffirms her capacity for self-empowerment and personal growth, both within and beyond the confines of the workplace. Since our work together, her performance is back at pre-conflict levels and her management style is remarkably more successful.
In navigating trauma within professional settings, it’s essential to recognize the transformative potential of empathy and mediation techniques. A few extra steps pave the way for healing and reconciliation, empowering individuals like Susan to reclaim their narratives and embrace a future defined by resilience and hope.
What Not to Do As an Employer
As an employer, navigating the delicate balance between supporting traumatized employees and avoiding legal pitfalls can be challenging, particularly in small businesses where personal and professional relationships often intertwine. Here are a few tips to help you avoid a legal misstep.
Do not:
- Suggest an employee attend therapy. This can be viewed as disability discrimination and result in a claim under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Instead, note that the employee’s work performance is subpar and ask what is needed for them to succeed in their roles.
- Make accommodations not requested. As much as you might want to help an employee heal, that journey is a personal one that will take a time and form unique to the individual. Let the employee and a medical provider tell you what is needed.
- Treat the employee differently. You must accommodate work restrictions agreed upon during the ADA accommodations process, but beyond that, you should treat the employee the same as other employees. Trust them all to perform the essential functions of their jobs. When they do not, work together to resolve the conflicts.
I understand this can be confusing. As an employer, you are asked to provide trauma-informed management. Yet you are required to allow employees to request the accommodations they need. It can seem like employees have a lot of power. They do, and so do you. Employment is a partnership. Be a great partner.